I feel like I had a cluster of unlocks recently, and I want to share them with y’all:
All layers of experience within myself and others are worthy of celebration. None is too big or unbearable to hold. None is too bad or irredeemable. At the root of all patterns is care. All layers can be held in parallel and re-ordered to be most harmonious. No (re)action is needed, just being and savoring the richness of it all. Tracking my general body tension strongly correlates with my degree of surrender or reactivity that comes up — if I notice high body tension I pause, ground into my breathe, the tension falls, and I can let the emotional experience pass through me without resistance or reactivity.
This has been transformation my relationship with a lot of things recently:
• All layers of experience within myself and others can be celebrated. : There’s been a realization that all patterns originate from some kind of care, and that care is worthy of celebration. Often this winds up doing is make the individual feel very seen, because their motive is always rooted in that care as well, which more often than not they feel is unseen and unacknowledged. In being connected on this plane, even “bad” behaviors can be de-risked. Often perception of a threat provokes a threatening reaction, which has a self-fulfilling, but ultimately self-defeating outcome.
• None is too big or unbearable to hold. None is too bad or irredeemable. : Anything that feels too big or bad in others is a reflection of what feels big or bad within myself — it’s a sign of what I need to make peace with within myself, rather than anything to do in the other person. It’s a sign that there’s a layer of my experience that I’ve disowned, celebration is the way to bring it back in relation within myself.
• At the root of all patterns is care. : If I look deep enough beneath every “bad” behavior is just a desire to protect oneself, protect someone else, to be safe and legitimate in one’s experience — these are all instantiations of care. Sure, care can still translate into bad outcomes, but a certain amount of decoupling is required to connect; in establishing connection, engaging with outcomes becomes significantly easier and it comes from a gentler, more collaborative place.
• All layers can be held in parallel and re-ordered to be most harmonious. : In the past I would attempt to collapse many layers of my experience into a single story. There’s no need! All can be held on their own terms, each as a different instantiation or representation of care. I’m starting to learn that the ordering that these layers is held matters — it often seems like going through emotional layers of experience on their own terms best precede narrative interpretations. Narrative interpretations have a tendency of ignoring “inconvenient” or “contradictory” layers of emotions, which can be subtly coercive and threatening. Starting with emotional layers on their own terms help expose flaws and inform narrative interpretations.
• No (re)action is needed, just being and savoring the richness of it all. : If holding feelings and stories is decoupled from any action, there is no threat. Threat and risk occurs on the layer of action. By decoupling the two, feelings and stories are completely safe. And in being safe, my focus can shift away from control and risk-management and towards receptivity, beauty, celebration.
• Tracking my general body tension strongly correlates with my degree of surrender or reactivity that comes up — if I notice high body tension I pause, ground into my breathe, the tension falls, and I can let the emotional experience pass through me without resistance or reactivity. : this one has been a fun one — I’ve halfway through a 600 hr massage program, and something I’ve noticed is that my emotional reaction to situations seems to directly correspond to body tension. About a 1/3 of the program is giving and receiving massage, and as my average body tension has fallen, it’s become significantly more likely that my default reaction to situations is safety-surrender-savoring rather than threat-resistance-reactivity.